Exile

10:41

I am currently on my laptop. I have been sleeping in the car for a couple of days now.

Jo kicked me out.

 

 

It’s been hard to post, I haven’t been able to find a decent internet connection.. also I didn’t know what to say.

I didn’t make any progress in the job hunting, there were a lot of “sorry to inform you” calls.. this didn’t go down well with Joanne. I don’t know how long she was planning on doing it. It might have just been a spur of the moment thing. I don’t know all the reasons either, maybe the whole job thing had a lot to do with it. Maybe not. Maybe there’s another man, a rich and handsome lawyer friend. Maybe they’ve been planning this together. Her father could’ve had something to do with it, I wouldn’t be surprised. I don’t really know.

Whether it was part or all of the reason, I do know what set it off.

 

 

She found the photos.

I don’t know how, she wouldn’t say. They were stashed at the bottom of one of my drawers, one of the few parts of the house Jo never attempted to tidy. Maybe she stumbled upon them while looking for something else. Maybe she was looking for them.

It led to a number of very exasperated and awkward questions. She remained in control of herself for the most part, she raised her voice a few times. It was a bad idea to tell her not to shout.

She asked me where I got the photos, what I’d been doing. She asked me who I was. I couldn’t think of a reply. She called me a pedophile. Then she kicked me out.

I am Not a pedophile.

 

 

 

 

 

I took this photo the other day. It was a terrible storm, and sitting alone in a parked car, I really felt it. But then the sun started to set, and the sky looked like it was on fire. It was beautiful. It wasn’t until a bit later that I realised why this had uplifted me; it was a feeling of hope. When everything is coming crashing down, and the day is ending, something beautiful and amazing can still emerge as a result.

This girl, my daughter, is all I have left now. I can’t think of anything else worth living for.

I have never felt more alone, and yet I have never had so much hope. I have a drive that keeps me going, I am calmed by her now, I know what I must do. Somehow, being out here, sleeping in the car, in her street, waking up to the sunrise in the morning, has freed me from the hesitation and constraint I felt before.

I have nothing to lose. Nothing that I value anyway. I look at this photo now and I know I have the strength to finally approach her.

Parr

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